Don't leave me again
by Siulk
Summary: -"Please, stay here tonight" Alex was sitting on her bed, touching Piper's hips that quivered under those fingers she had missed too much. Alex slowly closed her arms around her waist and brought herself nearer- Takes place after Piper's leaving: Alex has fallen into the trap of drugs, but then they meet again..
1. Chapter 1

Hi! This is my first fanfiction and English is not my first language, please don't be too harsh with me. I'd like feedbacks, so leave me some reviews! :D  
If you'd like to give me a chance, please read more than a chapter :) (the part I like most begins at Chapter 5 *-*)

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"Stay here tonight". Her voice was like a whisper.

Piper was standing in front of Alex, staring at the opposite wall, astonished by those words.

The blond had came because Alex asked her, for the fifth anniversary of her mother's death: but actually she had done it also other years since that day, just for "humanity", saying to Alex that she just wanted to visit the grave.

But this year everything was different; Alex was darker, blurred by drugs, alcohol and pain. She had lost everything in a few seconds. All her life until that moment was clear in her mind: when her mother died, her girlfriend left her. She had nothing. For a while, memories, photos and business did work, but after she started to feel too much depressed and her boss "fired her", if you can say that for a drug-dealer, because she was inefficient and useless.

With nothing to do, no day passed without Alex hoping to see the sun go down, but soon she started making the light turn off with sleeping pills. She used them so much that she never felt totally sober and she rarely was able to stay up, so she always lay in bed into the darkness, in her vortex of pain, taking one pill after other.

After two months some of her friends came to visit her, but nobody dared to enter in the house because of the mess, the stink, the smoke and the darkness that made it look like a black hole; neither they approached Alex, because she pushed all them away, since she didn't want to be seen in that condition. Other efforts, other attempts, but no results. Alex became totally alone and fell again onto pills.

But then she showed up. Piper. Her Piper. One day she just came to her house. She said she was there only to ask something, since Alex's phone number had changed and she was unreachable. _Yeah, what did she think? That Piper would come back for her? Because she still loved her? For guilt? No, she left her once, exactly when she was drowning, it wasn't difficult to leave her again._ Piper said she wanted to visit Alex's mother at but she didn't know the way "Oh, great, you show up after ages and all you tell me is to show you the way to the cemetery? Go to hell.." Piper tried to say something, but the brunette explained the way and all ended up there.

But the next year Piper was there again, at her door, this time asking if she also needed something. Alex shut the door up on her face: "Certainly I need nothing from _you_. Fuck, asshole!" then she heard her steps going outside.

Seeing once more that girl tore up an old wound and Alex started healing herself. Bitches and alcohol were the only way to survive. The body pleasure overwhelmed everything and Alex started to feel better. But inside her something began to grow up. She wanted to see once more those eyes. Those blue eyes that once were always searching for her.

She started going out with a young girl, F.: she was pretty. The sex was amazing, but after it, every night those eyes appeared in her mind and she felt dirty. Months passed with hugs, cuddling, alcohol and raw sex. One night all her body hurt, but she wanted more. She wanted to possess, to have, to feel alive. But all the love that F. gave to her was useless; Alex needed her, she needed Piper. She needed once more a glance of those blue eyes, a touch of her thin fingers, her lips closed on her mouth in a cute kiss.

At F.'s birthday Alex decided to buy a necklace for her; she went in a jewelry next to her house but she wasn't able to decide so she asked for a help. The shop assistant, who knew her, suggested to choose something of her love's eyes' color. Gone home, she gave her gift to F.: the girl extracted from the package a wonderful long bright blue necklace made with lapislazzuli and crystals. Her green eyes lit up in love and F. fell onto Alex in a cute hug "Thank you, it's beautiful". A kiss on the neck woke up Alex by her torpor. _Her eyes were green. F.'s eyes were fucking green. Green, not blue. _But everything Alex was able to see was blue. Everywhere. In her mind, in front of her eyes, outside. All was fucking blue. She liked F., but she wasn't her, she wasn't Piper.

Their relationship went forward for months, but then Alex decided to break up, because it all was just an illusion. Absorbed by F. she even didn't realize that Piper hadn't showed up, that year. But it didn't affect her too much, now she was fine.. blue, but fine.

The fourth year since her mother's death, in March, Alex started working in a bookshop and that blue eyes always stayed in a corner of her mind. She was able to handle them. But one day she saw her in the street and heard that she was moving near.

Her world trembled. The fragile shuck she had built around herself broke down like a coat of ice. All her life, she had painfully reconstructed, wasn't important anymore. She was _there_, near, too much near and she couldn't avoid it. All her scars ripped up again and now the bleeding wasn't so easy to stop. Alcohol, sex, smoke, pills.. nothing did work.

One day Alex found in a drawer a photo of her, Piper and their boss: a sting hit her heart and her eyes couldn't stay still on it. Then she suddenly recall she still had some drug. A bit of heroin she hadn't been able to give back to her boss: that was the only way.

She had always refused to drug herself, but this was a different case. She needed something, anything that could let her forget, that could throw her into oblivion, far away from those eyes. Far away from her lost love.

Yeah, she still loved her; even if she left her, even with her flaws, her mood, her painful bites on the neck.. everything was perfect if it was her.

_"Please don't drug yourself. I beg you.. never! Promise me. Even if heroine had always been more important than everything, also than me." _Piper had said her once time. And Alex had promise it. Only once she had tried the thrill, but it wasn't for her.

That thought at first avoided her from entering the vortex of heroine, but some weeks after she discovered that Piper had moved exactly in her same flat and she was at the lower floor. She wanted to see her, she _had_ to.

One night she heard her voice: she was arguing with a man_. A man_. Alex felt faint but continued watching at the scene, worried for her girl.  
Piper was yelling something and the man looked at her with sorrow, when he suddenly pushed her against the door with his eager hands, kissing her and closing the door behind them.

"Fuck you, never fall in love with a straight girl" Alex was angry, and after days of restlessness, depression, memories, darkness she decided to take the train towards the magic world of heroine; partly also to break the vow and disappoint Piper.

She wanted to use the fastest method and she knew how to do it.

The preparation was always a ritual; watching the drug melting in the spoon and becoming darker, with all those bubbles, always reminded her of her first party with Piper, and how the bubbles of champagne she licked from the neck of the bottle fizzed on her tongue.

God, they had got so drunk that night; the wine went to their heads and the night ended how they both hoped, and the morning after they woke up one in the other's arms.

There was also a friend of Piper, that night: _Holly, Polly,_ or something, but she was just a spot on background: Piper was the main scene and her smile the light of the evening.

Alex since that night used to call Piper "my little spoon" but now the only spoon she cared about was the one heating in front of her, a different type of drug, but ecstatic as well and always available.

Then she carefully tightened a tourniquet around her arm and the veins popped out; so slowly she filled a syringe and injected herself with it: just 2 mg, less than the usual dose.

Feeling the fluid slipping in her veins was a wonderful sensation and the ecstasy came fast. Her pupils restricted like a pin, she lay down on the floor and the pain went away.

"But it will never took me completely" she said.


	2. Chapter 2

"Please, stay here tonight" Alex was sitting on her bed, touching Piper's hips that quivered under those fingers she had missed too much.

Alex slowly closed her arms around her waist and brought herself nearer. The blonde girl tried to react, but she couldn't. Alex passed her hands under the girl's shirt and slowly skimmed over her smooth skin, now gathered by the goose bumps. Piper closed her eyes in desire, but she stopped Alex's hands and pushed them away, with a sigh.

She had been so stupid to go there, to accept Alex invitation after those years. She wanted to go away, so she freed herself from Alex's grasp and made two steps forward. But the brunette instantly started to panic.

_She was going away again._ Alex grabbed strongly Piper's shirt and the blond got so surprised by that strength that she turned away disgusted by that woman she now barely knew.

_All that scene was just a play to make her fall in her web again; but this time it wouldn't work. _Piper stared at her for a while; once so beautiful, now Alex looked like a creepy creäture of darkness, grabbing her knees to her face, trembling and sweating.

That woman was unrecognizable: she had been so soft, so bright, so breathtaking; now she was nothing more than an empty shell. Her face was carved, the hair messy, her clothes, hanging on her delicate body in many folds, left a void between the fabric and her pale skin, so tight on the bones.

Everything in her looked dead, ruined, worn out. She had the signs of pain, suffering, crying, no rest and all her body emanated destruction.

Suddenly the brunette raised her eyes and met Piper's gaze. A lightning. Piper's heart started beating faster: in front of her had just appeared the real Alex. Inside those eyes there still was that light, that magnetic force which had always caught Piper.

Hidden behind that casing, an alive soul was firing up.

The blond looked away with a wince of pain: memories were hurting her, but Alex was still searching for her look.

Piper didn't want to let her doing that; _Alex was a great actress, she knew, and she had always lied. Everything from her mouth had been sweet poison that intoxicated her, drop after drop, until she reversed it all against Alex, five years before. _

But Alex's red, tired eyes got crazy following her Piper; she looked like a blind without any handhold.

A whisper: "I need you".

"I know your game, don't you dare do this with me again."

At those words a slice of tears blurred Alex look and turned off that light; then the woman looked away and silently broke down in tears, shaken by heavy shivers.

She didn't want that; she had always been the strong one, the careless, the fearless, the imprudent; she had been hiding her feelings for her entire life, everyone saying her to be strong, but now she couldn't resist anymore.

She was losing the love of her life again;_ she was a failure, a joke. _

_S_he had nothing to lose and nothing worth living_. She was a weak, stupidly in love, loser. _

The carelessness and the indifference Piper showed had given the finishing stroke and Alex had collapsed.

Piper reacted unexpectedly to the fact. She started trembling and saying "Oh my God" as the images of her first leaving attacked her brain and started overlapping in her mind; she suddenly felt sick, ashamed, guilty, horrible.

All the love she had felt was real; there hadn't been any lie at all in Alex's words, not for her. She had never been true and clear with anybody, but with her there was just sincerity.

Piper turned into a sorrowful expression, she knelt in front of the brunette and held her face in a soft grasp, grazing her skin. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me.."

"Oh my God, Alex!"

The woman had just fainted in her arms and her head was lying lifeless on her shoulder.

Piper didn't know what to do, she took Alex's face in her hands, frantically passing her fingers through her wet hair and she tried to lay her down on the bed even if her hands were shaking and sobs were jolting her body.

While she was lifting her, a sleeve slipped up and uncovered her skinny arm.

Piper boggled and left the girl on the bed.

Her limb was full of holes.

Piper was speechless. _She knew she was the reason of all that_.

She tried to think about something to do, anything, but she just kept weeping and caressing that wounded arm, looking like a numb.

She deeply had understood that all those trembling and sweating and crying were the abstinence from the heroine, and that she couldn't do anything.

_Miserable and useless._

Piper was so afraid to keep a thing so huge and scary on her shoulders, that she just let it go away.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex woke up in her bed at three o'clock, due to a thin sunbeam that was infiltrating through the window.

She felt cold and feverish and she couldn't stop shivering; all her body hurt, her stomach was twisting and she felt sick; her head hurt and she was dizzy, like after a hangover.

But she knew it wasn't it. She exactly knew what it was.

Abstinence. But she had to be strong and pass over it.

She lay in bed for a while, trying to reorder the thoughts, but only a thing was clear in her mind: the last night Piper was there.

She closed her eyes. _She has left me again, obviously. How could I have thought she would stay? I am an addicted and I was a drug dealer. I used her, I lied to her. _

_It's all my fault. __I deserve this._

She knew another thing: she wanted more drug. The symptoms of abstinence made her feel so bad that she just wanted to make them go away; in that situation waiting wasn't worth it, nor useful.

She tried to sit up on the bed, but a pressure drop made all dark, so she waited a minute and then tried to stand up. The floor seemed to be crashing under her feet and her body didn't respond anymore, paralyzed by the pain.

_Don't do it, you'll stay worse_. She fell again on the bed, but she needed more. She just had to find the heroin and everything would be fine, she was sure.

With all her last strength she stood up and slowly went towards the kitchen, where she had left the drug two mornings before.

She wasn't able to remember all about the night before: the last memory was Piper kneeling in front of her saying something. After: blackout.

She was so confused.

Finally Alex managed to bring herself in the kitchen but the abstinence was sucking her forces with greed. "Shit, I'm so screwed up" another fit of giddiness.

She started looking for the drug but she couldn't find it; she didn't remember where she had left it.

She anxiously rummaged in all the drawers, with greed in her eyes.

_Please, please, I need it. _

After having made a shamble of the kitchen she gave up.

Going back towards her room she felt worse and worse and was afraid she would faint again, but a sound caught her attention: someone was coming into her apartment.

She turned exactly as the door opened, but the twist was too fast, so she lost her balance and fell.

However she didn't touch the floor, because someone grabbed her.

"Hey, hey. Come on." an unusual voice.

"Come on _Vause, _don't be a _pussy_".

A hand on her hair gave her chills and a sexual perfume filled her tired senses.

A shoulder was supporting her under the armpit and an arm was hugging her waist.

Slowly her helper brought her sit on a chair in the kitchen.

She couldn't see nor hear well; all her senses were blurred.

She heard some chattering and believed her saver was just a thief and he was doing his job.

Anyway she was too tired to think.

The brunette fell asleep for a few minutes but was woken up by a touch.

A hand was raising her head, holding her chin: "Drink this."

"What's it?" Alex mumbled. "They are vitamins, they'll help you."

Alex, still confused, trusted that clear voice and drank eagerly.

It was fresh, good, sweet, exactly like the kiss she received on her forehead.

She raised her look and tried to understand something in that tangle of events.

Her mind wasn't clear, but she would have recognized everywhere those eyes: she was her.

Her voice hadn't been a dream, those touches, so relieving, hadn't been just her imagination.

Piper had squatted down and was watching Alex in her eyes.

After a while the blonde leaned forward and met Alex's lips in a long kiss. Then she hugged her neck and smiled "I'm happy to see you".

After helping Alex to stand up, Piper brought her to bed and the brunette lay down with a moan.

Piper was going out of the room but first she watched back towards Alex. She was wrapped in the sheets and her eyes was imploring her not to leave.

Her jaw was trembling, besides the other muscles seemed to be relaxing a bit, thanks to the vitamins.

The blonde quickly came back and lay down next to Alex. She touched her forehead: it was boiling.

Even if her body was shaken by the shivers of fever, Alex succeeded in grazing Piper's cheek with her fingers, but her face was still contracted in a grimace of pain.

They stayed there, looking at each other's eyes, like the first time they had said

_"I love you"_

and in that look there was love, comprehension, relief, happiness.

Alex quickly fell asleep and Piper stayed still, looking at that face now peacefully relaxed. She fiddled with Alex's hair for a while and then went out.

Her hands were trembling.

Once outside she opened her mouth in a mute scream, while tears fell down on her face.

She had never seen Alex like that, so weak, so vulnerable and she knew how much the brunette hated to be seen in that condition.

But Alex trusted her, even after all.

Piper still loved her; she had tried to deny it to herself a lot of time during those years, but it had been exactly the lack of her to bring Piper there.

And when two days before her mobile phone lit up with Alex's name on the screen, she believed she could die.

Piper hadn't visited her for two years, after a very clear statement of hate pronounced by the woman, but she couldn't stay away.

Indeed she had searched and found an apartment next to Alex, thanks to some acquaintances.

But then Alex had got to know about it and wanted to see her. She had said it was for the anniversary, for going to the graveyard..

_Bullshit_.

So now she was there and she had to be strong, for Alex. She knew she owed her.

Piper dried the tears and went inside.

She knew something about how abstinence was, but not enough, so she searched about it and realized she couldn't help so much.

Hidden under some boxes in a corner of the kitchen, she found a little bag with some powder in it: she poured the drug in the toilet and flushed it away. _No more._

After having cleaned around and opened the windows, she cooked something for the evening and then she went into the bedroom.

After having gathered all the clothes on the floor, while she was going out, she lingered on the door, listening to Alex breath.

Then she went to the bathroom and turned the washing machine on.

But a noise made her boggle and she ran back.

Alex had been sick and while trying to go to the toilet she had made a lamp fall from the bedside table.

It was broken in pieces, exactly like Piper's heart.

Alex was apologizing and swearing at the same time. Piper helped her going to the bathroom and held her hair until she could stay up again by herself.

She was wrecked and had shadows under their eyes.

"Oh God" she sighed.

"I don't think I can do this, Pipes, I.." she hated having to say that "..I'm not strong enough."

Piper nervously laughed "Shut up, you have been handling with a drug cartel for a life! This is nothing." she smiled at Alex sulky expression.

"What are you doing?" Piper had just turned the shower on.

"You need a bath" the blonde didn't wait for a reply, but just helped Alex to take her clothes off.

Then she went to change the bed and throw away the scraps from the floor. giving Alex some privacy.

When she came back, Alex hadn't still done anything; Piper could see her body trembling in the towel and just wanted to stop all those quivers.

But she just leaned on the door, in case she needed something.

After a while Alex finally managed to have that shower.

Piper quietly admired that vulnerable, sinuous body hidden by the shower glass and felt so guilty for having left her.

She had seen her pain, she still could, but she hadn't been able to do anything at the time, so she just had gone away.

_Fleeing was the thing she could do best. _

But not this time; she was there and she was going to stay.


	4. Chapter 4

When Alex stomped out of the shower, Piper was there with the towel and circled her in a warm hug.

She softly brushed her skin and hair and brought her to bedroom for some clothes.

Piper tried to seem fine, optimistic and encouraging, but she was terrified.

She was afraid of disappointing her again, of being too weak, of fleeing.

Of not being enough for Alex, compared to the drug.

"So, I'm gonna bring you something to eat".

Alex buried herself in the bed. It smelled good; Piper must had changed it.

"I'm not actually hungry, _kid_".

A lump in the throat._ Kid. _Piper didn't know how much she had missed that nickname; it was now stuck between her heart and her mouth, but something was moving inside her.

"Alex, you have to eat, you are starving yourself" she said with broken voice.

Alex felt sick "Pipes, I don't feel very well now." she closed her eyes and sighed.

"Al, please.."

Alex looked at her and couldn't resist to those eyes "Okay, I'll try.."

_Fuck those catching blue eyes. _

"Thanks!"

_Piper was radius, gorgeous.. so beautiful.. _

Alex sat up in the bed and waited for Piper; after a while she decided to go to the kitchen.

Piper was wearing an apron and her hair was tied back in a pony tail, but a lock was hanging on her frowning forehead: even with her blurred senses, Alex desired that woman as much as the first time.

Piper didn't notice the brunette until she came next to her and touched her, putting the tuft behind the ear.

Piper looked at her surprised and all she could see was a melancholy, sad, full of love look.

Then Alex went behind her "What are you cooking, here?" she hugged her waist.

"Actually I'm preparing some salad" Alex put her chin on Piper's shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

"Do you want to make me a freaking sheep?" Piper disengaged from Alex and put all on the table: there were chicken, salad, orange juice and a bottle of water.

Alex groaned "What the hell.. are you a health fanatic now?" Piper sighed "It's for _your _health, dumbass".

After dinner they lay in bed together; the evening was going better than how Piper had thought, even if Alex hadn't eaten enough, so she decided to stay a bit with her.

Alex was curled up in the bed "Are you gonna sleep here?" the woman cleared her throat.

"No, if you don't want" caught by surprise, Piper sat up next to the brunette. She was confused.

The woman was breathing rattling and fast. "Al?" Alex was gasping.

"What's happening, now?" Piper turned white when saw Alex grabbing the sheets in the effort of breathing.

The blond leaped out of the bed and opened the window above it; no gain.

Alex was panicking and tried to stand up.

Piper helped her to seat and kept her back up: Alex couldn't still breathe properly.

Piper was terrified, her eyes were wet and she was torturing her hands while Alex was making deep breaths.

As last chance Piper unfastened Alex's clothes; the woman coughed and finally the breath steadied.

Piper was still trembling "W-what happened?" Alex was still breathing heavily. Piper sat and fondled her hair.

"It- it was respiratory failure, it can happen during the abstinence.."

_She was informed._

"Pipes, tomorrow is the worst day, and.." Alex chopped.

"I need something.." she panted.

"the list is in that drawer.. if you could.." she wanted to be ready for everything.

Meanwhile Piper had calmed down: Alex was fine, she knew what she was passing through.

"Y-yes, absolutely" a pause "I'm proud of you" she smiled.

"Sorry for before, kid. I really want you here" she kissed her cheek " 'night"

Piper's eyes lingered on Alex "..'night" she whispered.

Alex turned on a side; she felt guilty, Piper was in all that crap for her, maybe even if she didn't want to.

She was a sick, depressed ungrateful and didn't deserve her.

Alex definitely wasn't fine; the mask she put on with Piper was suffocating her.

She couldn't go on that way, she felt rotten inside.

There was nothing of the old strong Alex, in her.


	5. Chapter 5

Here are the chapters I like more. Call me masochist, but I love hurt/comfort.

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At midday Piper woke up in Alex's bed, but she wasn't there.

Confused, she went through the other rooms.

Alex was in the bathroom, squatted down in the bath.

Something blinded Piper for a second.

She raised a hand to cover her eyes, and then she saw it.

A razor blade.

Alex looked up; her face was crooked into an awful expression and tears was going stream down her face.

Her limbs were shaken by spasms.

Piper couldn't speak a word: she was astonished, paralyzed and the lump in her throat was stealing her breath.

"Alex, what the fuck are you doing?" she spat out.

The blade was reaching her skin.

"Piper, I can't live this hell, give me the heroine, I know you have it."

Piper stayed silent and refrained the tears: she had to be strong.

"Piper, give it to me!"

The blonde was approaching her "Stay away! I need it! Give it to me or I'll cut!"

But threats didn't work.

Alex wouldn't be alive if drugged; Piper didn't want to see her again like a mannequin, she couldn't.

She could feel Alex pain, but wouldn't yield; she'd rather have her heart tore apart by Alex hate, than see the woman who loved slowly kill herself.

Besides, there wasn't any drug left.

Alex was trembling in agony.

"Fuck you, Piper, I hate you!" the brunette was weeping loudly.

Piper felt sick "Please, Al, put down that blade" she hardly succeeded in keeping her voice still

"Don't make a step more, don't! Go away, I hate you!"

S_he doesn't think these things, it's just the pain. _

Piper put her hands forward.

"Don't-" Alex was losing her forces, but the blade grazed her skin.

Piper spoke with a shrill voice "Okay, alright, I'll give it to you, just- just put that down!"

Alex relaxed herself a bit: she trusted Piper.

The blonde jumped forward and stole the blade; a cut opened her skin but she didn't say a word.

"No, please, everything is better than this shit" Alex was begging.

"I need nothing but a dose, just one.." Piper couldn't yield.

"Come on, this hell is killing me!" Alex raised her voice and yelled at her.

"I need nothing, but it, I don't need y-!" but the word died in her throat, suffocated by a sob.

Piper hugged the brunette, but Alex started punching her chest with her tiny fists "Don't touch me, leave me alone!"

Piper tried to embrace that restless body, but her arms were slammed away by Alex's hand "Go away!" she shouted.

Piper finally succeeded in containing all that fury, but the brunette kept trying to disengage herself.

Finally Piper stopped her limbs and Alex slowed down a bit "I don't need anything, I don't need you.."

Piper wasn't defeated yet "It's true, you don't need me, but you don't need that shit in your veins, too"

Alex looked at her and in her eyes there were just hate and misery.

Piper embraced her stronger.

Alex tried to resist again, but then she let herself go and just started sobbing, her cheek on Piper's heart.

"Sorry, Pipes.." her voice sounded like a pray and she was crying

"It's ok, just calm down a bit." Piper softly cherished her head, holding that shaking body.

Alex couldn't stop shivering.

The pain ignited her bones and they seems like crushed under stones.

She felt sick and surely had a bad fever.

Her knees didn't support her and her junctions were burning.

But there was something: Piper.

She was staying, also after all that hate.

In all that crap she did find her, a pale sunbeam.

But even that light would be extinguished.

Alex knew that when everything would be back to normality, they would have been apart again; but at least a little pain would be gone away.

Drugs had never been really useful: the initially high was amazing and freely, but after some hours all her body was asking for more and she felt only other pain.

As the loss of Piper wasn't enough..

_A little time of beatitude isn't worth a life._

This had been the thought which, in an instant of lucidity, had made her decide to withdraw.

She had prepared herself, she knew everything: vitamins, water, food, integrators, other medicines; but she wanted to completely detoxify from everything: no alternative drugs.

Anyway she still had in a drawer the list of medicaments his therapist had given to her.

After a day from the last dose, things had gone worse and she hopelessly wanted to see another time Piper.

Just a night, she wasn't supposed to stay.

But a night became a day and now another had just started.

The worst.

But she had the best thing of her life with her.


	6. Chapter 6

Piper's hand was hurting, but she was afraid of releasing the grab around Alex and seeing her fall, so she brought the girl back to the living room.

She made her sit on the sofa and looked for something as lunch.

Her stomach was tied up and she felt sick, so she didn't eat anything;

Alex hardly touched food too.

After an hour Alex wasn't getting better nor worse, so Piper decided to go shopping for her.

"I'm going out to buy what you need."

No answer.

"Well, I go. Don't do anything harmful, please" she still had the blade closed in her hand.

Once out, the fresh air slipped in her lungs like pure oxygen and lashed against her face.

She was running; all her muscles were stretched in the effort.

She was scared, worried, afraid of what Alex could do or could happen to her.

And her hand started bleeding.

Alex was on the sofa staring at something undefined on the wall; her bright look was plunging in a deep void inside her eyes.

Her brain was too awake to rest and too tired to stay up, she was in a limbo.

She hadn't slept since she had been sick and she had hardly eaten a full meal in two days.

And now all those things had just happened.

_ Knocked down. _

She had tried to kill herself.

Well, actually she didn't really want to die, it was just a way to catch attention and have the drug, but she deeply knew that for a second she had thought about doing it for real.

All Alex could feel was the pain.

Everywhere.

In her body, in her bones, in her guts, in her brain, in her heart.

But she hadn't touched the bottom, yet.

She still was _fine_.

Suddenly her senses were awaken by a pain shock that torn her entire body.

She felt her guts ripped apart.

She screamed and curled down on the floor.

_That was what she was waiting for: the real crisis. _

She managed to drag herself next to the bathroom and then her mind went black.

Piper came back home breathless and lingered on the door to gain air.

_Okay, I can do it._

Once in, Alex wasn't on the sofa.

The blonde knew something was wrong.

"Al, I have bought the stuff" she shouted.

"Al?"

There was a bad stink in the house and filth everywhere.

She looked around "What happened here?"

_Alex had been sick around._

Piper got really scared.

"Alex, please answer me, where are you?"

A scream from the bathroom.

Piper felt her heart in the throat and ran as fast as possible, throwing the bag somewhere.

Alex was lying on the floor, retreated into herself, the hands holding her stomach.

She was squirming like she was in the throes of a seizure and her teeth were beating hard.

She had been sick so much that she didn't have anything more to be sick with, thus her abdomen was contracted by spasms.

Piper was trembling, but she squatted down and held Alex's head up, to make her sit; Alex's body didn't stay still.

They both were heavy breathing, but Piper was going to freak out.

She barely touched Alex, for fear of hurting her more.

"What can I do?" she panicked.

"Alex, what the fuck can I do?" she shouted.

Suddenly she left Alex and ran out of the room, bringing a hand to her mouth.

She couldn't breathe and was about to be sick.

So, she tried to calm down and get some air from the window, but she just started weeping.

Seeing Alex in those conditions had been too much, she couldn't stand it, anything, but not that.

She wasn't strong enough.

She wanted to go away, forget everything, pretend nothing did happen.

She loved Alex, she could feel her suffering and her heart was wrenched by the pain of allowing that happening.

What kind of person would let her love suffer the torments of hell?

How could she still look at her?

She was disgusting: all that crap was no one's fault but her own.

If only she hadn't left...

_You can't leave me, not now. _

Alex had said exactly those words five years before, when Piper was leaving, and now they were echoing in her mind.

A shiver pierced Piper.

She imagined Alex alone in the bathroom, drowning in pain and waiting for _anything._

That thought killed her.

"I must stay, no matter what." she said to herself, shaking.

She washed her face, drank some water and came back in.


	7. Chapter 7

Alex was still, lying on the floor like a fetus, staring at the ceiling with lifeless eyes and with no more tears to cry.

But when she saw Piper her eyes lit up; _she had thought she had gone away_.

Piper sat and put down the pillows and the blanket she had taken from the closet.

Then she held Alex's head in her lap; she couldn't do anything but staying close.

Piper slowly caressed her hair and features: she was incredibly skeletal.

Her skin was yellowish and covered by goose bumps, her eyes were bloodshot and had big dark circles above.

Alex closed her eyes for a while, but suddenly her face grimaced with pain. She let out a muffled scream followed by a creepy, loud yell and she turned on a side flailing her arms.

Piper blocked her limbs and hugged her strong. Alex suffocated a scream on Piper's chest and started weeping.

Her dry mouth was opened in no sound and her wet eyes closed in tears; she thought she would die.

Piper cradled her and tried to stop her sobs.

She looked at the ceiling to keep her tears back, while passing her hand through Alex's hair.

Her love, once so magnificent, was now trembling in her arms like a miserable, harmful creäture and she couldn't do anything.

* * *

They stayed there for a lot.

Hours. _Days,_ Piper hoped, so that all that pain could have reached an end.

But Alex didn't stop trembling and moaning and Piper kept cherishing her, massaging her back with a hand.

Then she went sick again.

Piper didn't care anymore and just held her on her breast, drenched by Alex tears.

She was sweetly cuddled her vulnerable person, trying to comfort her.

Wrapped in the blanket in Piper's arms, Alex felt cherished, safe and she peacefully closed her eyes for a while.

Since she seemed more relaxed, Piper picked a towel and dried Alex's sweat all over her face.

She refreshed her skin with a soft sponge and some little drops slowly fell down on her neck, making Alex shiver.

* * *

"You must drink" Piper suddenly said.

"Really Piper? Do you really think I can-" a twinge in the chest and Alex closed her eyes again.

"Yeah, I think you can"

Piper took the glass on the wash basin and went out to take some medicines.

"No, Pipes, please.." Alex was leaning on her fragile elbow; she couldn't stay up by herself and her head was heavier than a stone.

"I'll be back in a minute"

"Stay here with me, don't go away again" she whispered.

"It's for your good" Piper stated.

The girl disappeared over the door and Alex let herself fall down, while a tear silently ran down her face: she was scared.

But Piper was back soon.

Alex succeeded in drinking and she got some relief at first, but then her stomach started rumbling again and it wasn't able to keep anything inside.

The woman was exhausted, starving and still trembling.

She was lying in Piper's arms like a baby in a cradle: so fragile.

Alex rested on Piper's breast and she was so warm, soft and comfortable, that the brunette forgot everything for a while, until another stab of pain brought her back to reality.

* * *

Suddenly Alex seemed to be sleeping.

Piper moved away her wet hair glued on her forehead and admire her tired face: she still was beautiful at her eyes.

She followed her skinny lines with a finger, from the top to the chin.

Her eyes greedily scanned all her face, admiring every feature.

Then Piper fondled her cheek and sweetly kissed Alex.

She tasted bitter, sour, but under all that, there were Alex's lips.

Those soft, beautiful lips she used to consume by kissing and that were now consumed by death.

A tear fell on Alex cheek and then tinged on the floor; the only sound in the house for a long time.

The brunette opened her eyes and caressed Piper, drying her tears with the back of her hand.

"Hey, kid.." she coughed.

"Don't be a _pussy.._" her voice was so weak.

Piper smiled and silently broke in tears bending on Alex.

That hoarse sound had hurt her ears and the memory of how deep and sexual Alex's voice used to be had been the last drop.

But never, _never, _she had been so grateful to hear a sound.

Even so little, low and rattling, it cured her wounded heart and gave her a little relief.

Alex leaned forward and her lips met again.

Piper's hand sank in her raven hair.

The blonde pushed Alex stronger against her lips, holding her face with the other hand.

But Alex broke the kiss to hug her strongly.

* * *

Hours passed and Alex wasn't getting better, she often screamed and was always crossed by shakes, while she held her stomach with the hands, in pain.

Piper was every moment more tired too, but kept reassuring Alex with sweet words.

The brunette coughed loudly.

"Gosh, this really is a time of suckiness.." she whispered.

"_But think at the stories that you'll have_.."

"That's my line" replied Alex.

Piper sadly smirked "Do you remember that stomach virus I had in Java?"

Alex made a weak laugh "That was a story! The whole village came out to watch you poop."

"Yeah"

Alex coughed again and blinked her eyes in pain.

Piper caressed her and a smile bloomed on her face, while her mind went back to memories.


	8. Chapter 8

Alex and Piper stayed there all night and the bathroom became their home, their safe place, their everything.

Alex often fell asleep, but she was always woke up by the pain, that made her clench her hands.

She didn't succeed in eating anything; her stomach just twisted every time and she threw up anything.

She felt weaker and weaker, like her life was slipping away.

Piper could see her breaking down in pieces in her arms: the lack of food had dug her flesh and the restlessness her eyes.

She didn't have strength enough even to keep her eyes open.

Piper was scared of what could happen and was caught by surprise when Alex weakly spoke.

"Pipes, I think I'm gonna be sick again.."

"Thanks for warning me."

Piper tried to laugh but from her mouth went out just a rattle.

"I'll be ready" she stated.

She looked at Alex: her skin was white-yellow colored and her lips was of a pale pink.

"I'm very tired.." her eyes were closing.

"Al, Al, stay with me" Piper was scared.

_You don't die for these things, right? _

Alex was lying down and suddenly grabbed her legs and turned on a side, shivering.

Piper knelt up.

Now the brunette was even more pale, ivory, almost greenish.

"I'm cold.." she was trembling and the chattering of her teeth pierced the air through.

"Okay, Alex, I'm gonna take you to bed okay? You also have to take something down, just tell me what you need, alright?" Piper spoke panicky quickly and her voice cracked.

Alex kept trembling and tears were making a way out of her eyes.

She felt a freezing clench around herself.

Piper called her several times, but it looked like she couldn't hear anything and just started moaning.

_No, no you can't die for abstinence, you should be sick, or suffer from heart failure, or something else. _

Then Alex went sick and Piper held her from behind petting her.

The brunette felt Piper's hands on her back; they were warm, reassuring, supporting: she knew she wasn't alone.

The warmth spread to her belly, barely touched by the t-shirt, now so wide; Piper gently grabbed her hair and took them away from her neck.

Alex coughed and tears melted up in her mouth.

Piper just kept holding her waist.

Alex turned back.

"Oh Al.." Piper saw her completely wrecked; she was destroyed.

Alex loudly broke down in tears "I'm crap, why are you still here?"

Piper hugged her on her breast "Sh.. Sh.." Alex's head swung on Piper's chest.

"Don't worry, it'll be better" she cleaned Alex's mouth with the towel and held her face.

A hand through her hair and the woman closed her eyes searching for some peace.

Piper kissed her forehead "Here, take some rest" she patted her own shoulder and Alex let her head fall on it.

No sounds for a long time; Piper almost forgot where she was and what was going on, but then Alex weakly opened her eyes.

"Is this the end?" she whispered.

"What? No, this is not." Piper stated.

But Alex looked pretty bad. Still on her shoulder, her red, wet eyes were wide open at something undefined, she couldn't keep her mouth totally closed because her jaw was paralyzed by the trembling and a trickle came down from her lower lip.

"..I don't know, Al, but it's okay, you'll be fine." Piper said cleaning her chin.

Alex trembled, moaned, wept, she was everything but fine.

The weakness obtunded her senses, but Alex felt Piper pushing her down, a hand under her back.

Then a blanket gently fell on herself and a warm hand lay on her belly.

A deep void clenched Piper's heart and she lay down on the pillows next to the brunette.

Alex's life was dropping out of her, torn out piece by piece with tears.

Piper took her hand and kissed it "I love you, Alex Vause"

Alex was passively staring at their hands, like she didn't hear anything; she spread her fingers and tangled them around Piper's ones.

"I'm scared" Alex eyes was wide open, still, lifeless.

"You don't have to be scared" Piper moved a lock of her black hair.

Alex was still gazing at the floor "Don't leave me.." she said.

Their fingers was interlaced and Alex could feel Piper's skin on her hand; it seemed the best thing she had ever touched. A bit of warmth for her cold body.

She couldn't breathe and the lack of oxygen to her brain started to make her feel confused.

Piper closed Alex's hand in her fist and brought it to her lips, then on her heart "I'm not going anywhere"

Alex was trembling heavily and she closed her eyes "I can't see well.."

Piper brushed her shoulders to give her some heat and softly rubbed her nose against Alex's "And can you feel this?"

"Kinda.." Alex tried to lean forward, for another touch, but her head fell down on the pillow.

Piper gave up "It's okay, you can go. You can-" she thought that everything was over but couldn't admit it.

She hugged Alex and just cradled her. Alex was wrapped in the blanket in Piper's arms like a baby in a cradle, still hit by spasms and moaning in suffer, but safe.

"Sh.., sh.., It's okay, it's okay.." Piper was petting her head.

She didn't know whether that was the end of everything or not; the doubt ripped her apart.

Alex started wheezing and her hand slipped away from Piper grasp.

Piper sat up trembling and put Alex's head on her legs.

Her shaggy, messy hair was scattered on her shoulders and Piper buried her fingers in it, admiring her fading love.

_She was slipping away like water through her fingers._

Alex's chest was still moving, but Piper was afraid to see it stop at anytime.

She was so tired. Exhausted. _Terrified_. Could she do something? She didn't know and this impotence was killing her. Nothing was sure.

When her eyes saw Alex breath slow down, she lay and kissed her cheek "I think it's time for the two of us to sleep" Piper weakly sighed and Alex woke up.

"Don't be like this, I'll see you later.." Alex whispered. "Yeah.."

"I just need some rest" Piper put her lips on Alex forehead and lingered there, closing her eyes "Yeah.." she moaned; tears went stream down her face and her throat was stuck.

Alex touched Piper's cheek with a finger "Pipes, I love you too.. I'm sorry for all this crap.. I didn't want to-" but a cough cut the sentence.

Piper hugged Alex, burying her face in her empty clothes.

She breathed deeply and smelled delicate fragrance: Alex's perfume.

She jealously latched that fragment of Alex to her heart.

_It was her last memory, the last piece of her beautiful, lost, killed love. _

Alex managed to touch Piper's hips with her fingers and lingered there.

"You'll be fine, Al, you'll be fine.." Piper kissed her and brought her hand on her own heart "Do you feel it? It beats only for yo-" she wept.

The brunette grabbed the fabric and just closed her eyes, weakly smiling.

But Piper suddenly felt the clench release and Alex's hand thudded.


	9. Chapter 9

A few seconds and Piper suddenly realized.

Her veins throbbed in her head and thoughts pushed on her skull.

Her stomach was going as crazy as her mind.

_Was she gone? Dea-?_

That word didn't reach her mind, Piper couldn't lost faith.

Instead Alex's name broke Piper's lips, falling out.

She _called_ that name.

She _shouted_ that name, so _painful_ on her mouth.

Her eyes were melting in tears and her body was violently jolted with sobs.

"No, no, no please" she frantically passed her hands over Alex's face, touching her soft skin again and again.

Her hands trembled; she closed Alex's lying body in her arms and cradled her, cheek to cheek, weeping.

_No, please._

She kissed her several times: her boiling forehead, her cheeks, her neck.

_She is going to wake up, I'm sure, she must._

Alex's head was slowly swinging and Piper leaned it on her shoulder, holding her like a baby.

She held her face and furiously kissed her lifeless lips.

_Please, please._

But Alex's mouth just stayed still, half-opened in her last "I love you".

No reactions even when she touched her lips with her trembling fingers.

_Come on, Alex. You are the strong one.._

Piper kissed her again, aggressively, she wanted to rip those lips.

She wanted to _eat _her beautiful lips, just to have any reaction.

When she tasted her blood, she just stopped and lingered there, whispering her name once again.

Tears flowed on her cheeks.

She grabbed her shirt and frantically shook her body "Wake up, you can't yield now!"

Piper hopelessly gazed at Alex, her eyes wide open in terror.

A few seconds and she just fell on herself, crying.

Her look sank down and she heavily leaned on a cabinet.

Piper was wrecked: she couldn't even think, overwhelmed by the grief.

Her chest was oppressed by an unspeakable suffering and she was quivering.

She let all the pain go out, but more the pain went away, more the void inside her got bigger.

Her stomach was crushed, oppressed by that burden.

Sobs shook her guts and she went sick.

That feeling of void pushed her emotions out.

_Crap with crap. _

_Pain with pain. _

The void became heavier and widely possessed her; she felt lost, drown.

_She was the love of my life. _

She covered her face with a hand, crying.

_She was the love of my life.. I'm so stupid._

She was carelessly leaning against the locker, looking at the ceiling.

She slowly dragged a hand towards Alex and softly closed it around her thin, inert fingers.

Piper's face was emotionless, her eyes closed on tears.

"You'll be fine from now, Alex, I promise you" she nodded.

She held her hand stronger.

_It's time, Alex isn't suffering anymore. She is fine. _

Everything was finally over.

* * *

Piper's mind went back to those days; to how she had found and lost everything.

How she hadn't been able to keep her love close to her.

"I love you, Alex, I love you. I swear." she cried.

"I swear..." she whispered.

But it was _too late_.

Alex was gone and Piper hadn't been able to say how much she loved her.

A thought blazed her mind and her heart stopped.

_Shit, I'm so stupid, I should have called someone!_

She threw herself out of the bathroom and rummaged in the living room, looking for her bag.

It wasn't anywhere.

_Shit, I must have dropped it somewhere when I came back.._

Back in the bathroom she searched Alex's phone in her trousers.

Nothing.

_Oh God, please! _

She made a shamble of the house. Nothing.

Finally she found her phone under the sofa and frantically pushed the "on" button.

A low sound and the screen lit on.

_Come on, come on._

Another beep: "out of charge".

Piper stopped breathing.

She yelled throwing the mobile against the wall.

"Fuck!" she shouted.

She threw herself out of the apartment and asked for help.

But nobody was there; Alex had pushed everybody away.

Far away from herself, from her pain, from her crap.

_Fuck that stupid, selfish, flown, woman! _

Piper kept shouting until her throat hurt and then slammed the door.

Her last hope had just vanished away like smoke.

"Fuck!" she whispered.

* * *

Was it the last time she saw Alex?

Piper looked at her and silently lay down, sniffing.

She leaned her head on a pillow and looked at her beautiful face.

She gently grabbed her chin and kissed her one last time.

A long, soft, kiss, just to build a clear memory of her lips, her taste, _of Alex._

She put her head on Alex's belly and a hand on her chest.

Her fingers clenched around the fabric and she moaned with pain.

She closed her eyes and brought her cheek upper.

A low sound hit her ear.

_No, it can't be. _

Again that sound.

Piper opened her eyes and a loud heavy breath made her startle.

A feeble clench on her arm.

Alex had just sat up and was gasping, trying to grab Piper with her weak fingers.

"Alex!" the woman looked at Piper: she was dazed.

_It really was a heart beat. _

Alex frantically tried to stand up to have some air from the window.

_God, she seems to be fine. _

"Hey hey, slow down!" Piper knelt up just in time to see her fall in her arms; she was even lighter and thinner than the first time.

Alex's limbs were swinging above the floor and Piper helped the brunette to stand up.

After a while Alex breathed normally.

Piper was astonished "Alex?!"

''I don't know.." Alex was staring at the wall, leaning on her trembling arms.

"All went black.." she swallowed.

"Then I saw blue. Again.." Piper didn't understand.

"A stab in my chest and I felt my heart beating again. I think I stopped breathing and I conked out"

_She just have fainted.._

Piper was disconcerted.

_I should have checked her heartbeat._

"Okay, you need a shower, medicines, something to eat and rest" Piper suddenly interrupted, leaving Alex with her mouth half-opened.

Piper looked at the watch: it was 6 am, the third day had just gone.

She helped Alex sitting down and went out, coming back soon from the kitchen with some stuff.

Piper wanted to avoid thinking about what had just happened, so she made Alex drink, a sip after another, to keep herself occupied.

The woman managed to drink some glasses of water with vitamins and integrators.

The liquid slipping down her throat was good, but not as much as another fluid her veins still yearned.

Anyway, Alex drank it eagerly and Piper often had to stop her from drinking the whole.

Alex was thirsty, her lips hurt, burnt, she felt like they had been grazed by a blade.

But she couldn't force too much her stomach, since it was miraculously resisting.

The adrenaline's effect ended and Alex fell down, wrecked again.

Piper went to the bedroom to pick some clean clothes, but stayed out a bit more, just to perk up from all that.

_Alex have just turned off in my arms._

_She had melted like snow through my fingers._

_I felt her slipping away._

Piper sat down on the bed.

She was trembling.

She took a deep breath and gripped the clothes, trying to calm down and stop shivering.

_What the hell did just happen? A miracle? __  
_

Piper wanted to think that it was a second chance; a way to pay for her mistakes.

But it was exhausting, painful, restless.

_What should I do? I don't even know if that could happen again._

But a sound brought her back to reality: Alex was moving, she couldn't waste time.

* * *

Alex didn't have strength enough even to speak so obviously not to stand up.

She was lying on her belly and her elbows were still bent in the effort of standing up.

When Piper came in, a wet stain was spreading under Alex's body.

"No, no stay out, I can do this" she was wounded in her pride.

"Alex.."

"No, Piper, I can-" she tried to stand up and fell again.

She lay down, boiling with angst, drenched by her own fluids "I'm sorry.. could you-" her voice trembled.

_So angry._

"It's okay, Al" Piper turned the shower on and grabbed Alex's waist.

"Come on, can you stay on your feet, please?" Piper was laboriously carrying her up by her armpits.

Alex was staring at the flushing water, absent.

Piper softly shook her and Alex tried to hold on her legs, but her knees immediately bent.

"Okay, I got you" Piper took Alex on her chest and brought her into the shower.

Piper seemed like a clumsy penguin and Alex hid a little smirk.

She was funny, but wasn't enough to crack the shell of sorrow and guilt Alex was wearing.

She obviously felt pain too, but she was getting used to it.

Anyway, Piper saw her grimace "Don't worry, Al, I'm here."

"Can you stand up?" the blonde left the brunette.

Alex made a face and fell forward again in her arms.

Piper barely succeeded in taking her.

"Ok, got you" she whispered in the effort of finding balance; then she pushed her under the warm water.

Alex shivered: the cold was leaving her tired bones.

Her clothes immediately got wet, so Piper took them off.

No sounds annoyed them: all Piper could hear were water thundering on Alex's head and her own painful thoughts.

Even if force less, the brunette was almost standing up on her own, leaning against the wall.

Piper took the sponge and brushed Alex's skin, covering it with soap.

She passed her pointed shoulders, her protruding ribs, then slowly rubbed her skinny hips: all shivered under the touch.

Alex was so thin, now, Piper was afraid to rip her pale skin.

Soaped all her body, Piper cleaned her hair, softly brushing her head.

When her hands were on her face, Alex closed her eyes.

She had missed her fingers so much.

She felt Piper's hand over her lips and leaned forward to kiss it.

Piper giggled "Hey, don't eat the soap."

She sweetly smiled and kept brushing her face.

She slowly rubbed her cheeks, her forehead, her neck, hiding a caress in every touch.

_"I care, I care about you!" _Piper was shouting inside.

She wanted to show her love and Alex seemed to understand, in her own way.

Then she flushed all the suds away and noticed tears under the water.

"Why are you crying?" Alex shook her head, denying.

"Hey.." Piper's voice was music to Alex's tired ears.

"I know it's hard" she held her face and searched for her look.

"It's just.. I'm sorry, Piper" Alex felt guilty and ungrateful.

The blonde kissed those words away.

"Shut up, it's not your fault. Come on, out of here." Piper silently sighed.

She literally was scared to death.

The blonde picked the clean clothes up, and helped Alex putting them on.

She barely touched her, afraid of seeing her breaking down in pieces again.

Alex stared at the ground, leaning on the wash basin.

She felt Piper's hands on her body, but they moved quickly.

_Yeah, I am hateful._

"Al, do I hurt you? I'm afraid to give you more pain.." Alex was surprised.

"No, you never hurt me."

"Actually I did.." Piper didn't want to escape from her fault and that kindness irritated her.

"Pipes, I feel dizzy.." Alex was falling again.

This time Piper was ready and hugged her before she could move.

Alex hid her face in Piper's shoulder and the blonde slowly cradled her.

Their bodies were dancing, lost in their own world.

Each other's arms were the best place to be and they finally felt right.

Piper softly held her head and Alex closed her eyes on her love.


End file.
